4 Things I Had to Outgrow to Protect My Peace

These shifts might just be your way out. They were mine.

Have you ever thought about how studying actually works?

You read, absorb the material, make sense of it through your own perspective, and eventually process it deeply enough to get good grades.

Now apply that to healing.

You read about it, start practicing it, reflect on it — and unlike school, there are no grades. Just growth.

BUT.. You find yourself slowly outgrowing habits, patterns, and even people — not all at once, but piece by piece.

Gemini AI

Here are some tips that helped me during my healing era.
You might relate to one, some, or all of them — and if not, consider this your sign to start looking within yourself instead of constantly reacting to what’s happening around you.

These shifts changed me completely. They might sound simple, but they took me years of wrong turns, mental breakdowns, therapy, and more resilience than I ever thought I had — just to finally find the path I should’ve been walking all along.

These are pieces of my own healing.
The things I had to outgrow, accept, or completely unlearn just to survive my darkest moments…
And finally protect my peace.

1 – Not Expecting “You” from Others

I realized I was responsible for many of my disappointments — because I kept putting myself in other people’s shoes and expecting them to respond the way I would have.

But here’s the truth: they’re not you, and you’re not them.

I’m sorry I’m not holding your hand while saying this, but you need to accept it.
I know it’s hard. You think, "How could they hurt me like that? I would never have done that to them."
But not everyone has your heart.

I set myself free when I stopped expecting people to be as thoughtful, present, or considerate as I am.
We come from different places, different upbringings, and different emotional languages.

We need people who are willing to learn our love language — without having to be told every time.
Otherwise, we’ll keep feeling like we’re “too much” in the places that once felt safe.
And that hurts more than anything.

Sometimes it’s not about who’s right or wrong — it’s about emotional compatibility.
Especially with people who lack the emotional or social intelligence to meet your love capacity and standards.

2 – Outgrowing People-Pleasing and Learning to Say No

(Because Love Is Not Earned)

I wasn’t someone who said “yes” to everything, but I did have a habit of putting others’ needs ahead of mine — especially when I was in love.(The love I knew)

Subconsciously, I believed I wasn’t worthy of love as I was. I thought I had to earn it — that I had to shine all the time, even when I was breaking inside.

Whenever I felt low or messy, a part of me believed they’d leave anyway.
That belief wasn’t just about them — it was about my childhood wounds being triggered, over and over again.

So instead of expressing my pain, I overreacted. I shut down. I lashed out.
And then came the silence…

In that silence, my thoughts got louder—convincing me I was unlovable, that I had ruined everything, that no one should love me after the way I acted.

That’s when I realized: I’d been shrinking myself just to be accepted.
Bending. Apologizing. Overcompensating.
Not because they asked me to — but because I didn’t believe I was enough.

What I really needed was to accept my pain. Only then could I expect someone else to hold it without calling me 'too much.'

3 – Confusing Trauma Bonding for Love

You have to fill your own cup before getting close to anyone else.

When I had unhealed “daddy issues” I wasn’t even aware of, I kept attracting people with “mommy issues” they weren’t working on either.
We mirrored each other’s wounds — not our healing.
And that created a connection based on survival, not love.

Relationships should be equal — each person giving 50%.
When that balance is missing, one partner ends up overcompensating. Playing roles they were never meant to play.
Eventually, they burn out.

Especially when the other person isn’t doing the inner work or acknowledging the emotional load being carried for both.

If you’re lacking confidence, you may attract people who fake emotional strength or perform masculinity.
It might feel magnetic at first, but that intensity becomes unstable and draining fast.

One of the most powerful lessons I learned was about mirroring — how we reflect what’s still unhealed inside us.

This helped me realize that intense chemistry and butterflies aren’t always signs of love.
Sometimes, it’s just your nervous system warning you.

“Don’t look for a firecracker. Look for a fireplace.”
– Sara Al Madani

Sometimes, it’s just two unhealed wounds pulling each other in.
Real love isn’t chaos. It’s calm.
And it only thrives when both people are healing — not projecting.

4 – Shifting from “Things Are Happening to Me” to “Things Are Happening for Me”

Ever noticed how when one thing goes wrong in your day, it feels like everything else starts to fall apart too?
Your mood shuts down. You feel like you’re just trying to keep your head above water.

On those days, I believed life was working against me. I fed my mind thoughts like, 'Life doesn’t want me to live.

But here’s what I’ve learned: we can’t always control what happens — but we can choose how we see it.
And that shift? It changes everything.

I started asking myself:
"What is this moment showing me?"
"What did I miss this time?"
"Was it me seeing potential, or was that really their behavior?"

I stopped seeing pain as punishment and started viewing it as guidance.
Even in the hardest moments, I began to ask, “What is this trying to teach me?”

It’s not magic. It’s not instant.
It takes practice — a lot of it.

You won’t get it right every time.
But slowly, the worst moments start turning into your greatest growth.

You begin sitting with your sadness instead of running from it.
Because facing it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re brave enough to heal.

Eventually, there’s no such thing as being fully healed from every wound we carry. Healing isn’t something with a fixed timeline, it unfolds in layers. When you begin healing, you start unlocking doors you didn’t even know existed. You might start by working through an unmet need from your past relationship, and a few months later, you find yourself attracting new friends who feel more aligned with who you are. Then, unexpectedly, you get a promotion, because along the way, healing helped you grow the qualities that made you a better team player. Healing opens new rooms in your life, often the ones you never planned for. It becomes more of a lifestyle than a destination.

These are just my personal reflections — I hope they help. If you have your own thoughts or reflections, feel free to share them in the comments below.

𓈖𝒩✦