When It All Began: Derealization & Numbness

Is it a gift or a trauma response? let’s discuss one of the hidden disorders of modern life…

Photo: Pinterest

Althea was a quiet child who grew up in a small city, sensitive to energy for reasons she couldn’t explain. Even from a young age, she carried the weight of making others happy; a burden she never fully understood.

While other kids were out having fun, enjoying and choosing themselves, and playing freely without needing to share their toys, she would hand hers over just to see someone else smile.

She didn’t know how to make friends or how to feel lovable around them. She was often the kid left out for no clear reason, like she was a magnet for disappointment..

Something inside her or maybe voices kept growing, whispering that she was less and less lovable every day. The voices whispering *you’re not enough, your teachers hate you, you don’t belong anywhere..*

Though she was the youngest among her siblings, she somehow felt responsible for their actions and messy behaviors.

It was all in her head… but the responsibility she carried felt so real.

She cried out loud in her room, begging the voices to stop.

“I want to play, make silly jokes, be like everyone else!”

“Why am I like this? They call me odd…”

“I just want to be a normal kid!”

She was growing up with hidden anger quiet, but always on the edge of exploding.

Every time she heard loud voices or yelling, she would cover her ears.

If she didn’t, she’d probably start tearing up for no reason.

It was like she had a heightened sensitivity to sounds especially shouting.

The only way she could express herself freely was through writing.

Journaling became her safe space.. the only place she didn’t feel judged or INVISIBLE.

Maybe, just maybe, one day someone would care enough to read… or listen.

But then… On a random night, something changed.

Things are starting to get pretty serious..

Althea put on her headphones and played Taylor Swift.

Her parents began to argue, just giving rollercoaster emotions like they used to do always.. one second everything is perfect and then the extreme opposite.

The same arguing scenario keeps repeating itself oh did I say argue? Like two-way thing? Sorry I meant while her kind father (not kidding he was really kind) was raising his voice, her mother tried, like always, to explain calmly.

Althea felt powerless. Then it all began; She started to zone out, disconnecting mentally from her body.

She felt nothing.

Not fear.

Not sadness.

Nothing at all.

It was as if she were floating, weightless, with no wings.

She couldn’t hear them anymore.

It felt like she was high, completely numb.

She stayed like that for a few minutes.

It was like her soul had quietly slipped away.

Photo: Pinterest

How is that even possible?

It was her sweet escape.

A new coping mechanism to survive in a world she never really felt part of.

You’re probably wondering how family dynamics and childhood traumas affect our relationships and shape our struggles, why did she attract the feeling of loneliness and fear of being left-out, the way she couldn’t express herself without choosing to?

This girl adapted a new coping mechanism just to fit in to this world a world of rollercoasters feelings, Intense emotions, family dynamics.

Stay tuned for Part Two.  ❤️‍🩹

• How will this affect Althea’s relationships as she grows up?

• How will it shape her attachment style and the way she makes friends?

• Will she ever let go of the mechanism she became addicted to?

• And what’s the root behind everything she felt?

• Is derealization something mental or something physical?